Scene 27

"JAILER: We've-- we've got lumps of it 'round the back."

---

MR. BIG NOSE:
Who are you calling Jewish?! I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
GREGORY:
A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
PARVUS:
It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
GREGORY:
It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
MRS. GREGORY:
Oh, rather.
GREGORY:
Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
PHARISEE:
Pharisees separate from Sadducees.
WELSH MAN:
And Swedish separate from Welsh.

---

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing.
And...

Brian Denies Messianic Attributes - Life of Brian Scripts

"SIMON: Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!

BRIAN: What?

SIMON: I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.

BRIAN: Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

SIMON: Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing and...

BRIAN: Shhhh.

SIMON: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive!

BRIAN: Shhh.

SIMON: Hava Nagila!

BRIAN: Shhh.

SIMON: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila. Hava n'ra n'--"

Scene 16 Crucifixion: Could Be Worse... - Life of Brian Scripts

"MATTHIAS: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?

CENTURION: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!

MATTHIAS: I'm just a poor old man.

clomp clomp clomp...

My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered."

Scene 15: Bloody Boring Prophets - Life of Brian Scripts

"BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah..."

Life of Brian: Scene 10

"CAMPAIGN FOR FREE GALILEE:
Shhh! Shh. Shhh. Shh.

DEADLY DIRK:
Campaign for Free Galilee.

FRANCIS:
Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.

DEADLY DIRK:
Oh.

FRANCIS:
What's your group doing here?

DEADLY DIRK:
We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

FRANCIS:
So are we.

DEADLY DIRK:
What?

FRANCIS:
That's our plan!"

The Welsh accent always has me in stiches. Valley Boy. Who was Deadly Dirk? Turns out to be John Cleese.